Loving Our Enemies?
Love Your Enemy?
Is this Legit?
Ready to Get Uncomfortable?
This headline might sound like the craziest thing you’ve ever heard, but this is what I’ve been thinking about a lot for the last year (probably several years). Today I was rereading Living Buddha, Living Christ by Thich Nhat Hanh and it inspired creating this idea as an article and welcoming my audience to join me. Are you game? Are you open to seeing what the hell I’m talking about and where I am going with all of this?
Here We Go…
Now let me start with I’m no saint and been a sinner more times than I can count. I may even be an enemy to some from my past who I have wronged. Maybe they will forgive me.
That said… as hard as this concept is it actually feels kind of good to practice and try it. What I mean is… trying to seek understanding of those who inflict us with suffering and make our lives or the lives of others or those we love, suffer.
So for example; I got here because 8 years ago I nearly caught a guy stealing my car. This is my biggest and most successful example. That day, I wanted to kill this man. I hated what he did to me, and for 6 months and I was very bitter. But around this time I changed my thoughts around this guy. I went from saying… “why me?” to “why him?”. I mean “what made him do this?”. “What was going on in his life that he felt ok taking the risk to steal my car when I was so close?”
Anyhow, I started asking a lot of questions like that. I flipped the focus on looking at me and my problems to this guy and what must be going on in his life. I was seeking understanding of what a day in his life looked like. Was he employed? Was he paid well at his job? Did he have a job? Did he have a supportive and loving family? Did he have positive role models? Did he have a career and a future?
Basically I started seeking understanding, of him, and his life, and his struggles. I came to a conclusion that this man probably had suffering in his life and was doing the best he could with what he had. Then I was heartbroken at my assumed life that I pictured for him and his potential suffering. I finally was able to forgive him.
I also started seeking ways to help other folks in my neighborhood that were less fortunate than me, maybe closer to what I assumed his life looked like, and find ways to help them break free from poverty and/or hardships they may endure.
Thich Nhat Hanh says that understanding is the first step to love. So we have to want to explore why our enemy or “bad people” do the things they do. In doing so, we find compassion and empathy and this in turn will become love of those folks we struggle with.
Seriously? Love Thy Enemy? Isn't That for Suckers?
We all know the ol’… “an eye for an eye” metaphor right? And I ask… is this how we should live? I have practiced it, trust me. But I now see it didn’t serve me (or not well). It isn’t positive.
But really, love those that do us wrong? Yes! This is not an easy task I know. I struggle using the word “enemy” now, because I DO NOT want enemies in my life, not even the thoughts of the word. BUT… Ted Cruz and Greg Abbott sure are causing me a LOT of suffering with their reckless behavior (in my eyes).
Here is the thing… some WOULD say I was a sucker for forgiving this guy that not only stole my car, but also stole 6 months of my life when I was angry and bitter, not to mention this probably was a main trauma that kicked off my 2 years of depression.
BUT 8 years down the road, I can see these struggles molded me into a much better person. I now work very hard to find ways to serve others and help remove their struggles with suffering and dealing with their own traumas. Because of this, I can now see this crime as a blessing in disguise.
The world is better for this act. Meaning the man stealing my car lead to a lot of good once I forgave him and tried to help others like him. So call me a sucker all you want, I value this experience now. Keep in mind though that I am NOT saying people should not be held accountable for their actions and we should let people walk all over us. What I am saying is harboring hate or a grudge is also harmful to us personally as well as any relationship with this person and the community at large.
As with my experience though we can benefit many by reflecting, seeking understanding, reframing things, and forgiveness. Some or all of these things are valuable to the world.
Can Loving My Enemy Serve Me?
Short answer… yes!
Having someone harm us and harm others we love sucks. We must understand though that retaliating with fury only adds more suffering to the world for us, for them, and for many others in both of our communities.
But flipping revenge and letting go of anger actually DOES serve you by creating a more healthy life and one where I’d bet adds years to your life. That alone is a good reason to practice this, but there are bigger reasons too.
I am passionate about the saying BE the change you want to see in the world. After years of study I realize this means… I ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO A LOT OF WORK ON MYSELF and act differently than the world does. Again, no easy task, however this work helps me first, and then it flows out into the world. So it actually serves me in more ways than I can put into words.
I find more love flowing my way now than I did before I started on this path. I didn’t know I didn’t have a lot of love, but when this love starts flowing you cannot not believe how little you had before. Things are often overflowing. This is NOT lust or sexual “love”, but rather a love that is pure, and empowering, and supportive, and thriving from a community and the universe. Again hard to put into words until you experience it.
So how Does One Actually Love Their Enemy?
Well that is the million dollar question? I imagine there are hundreds of ways. Like in the photo above, you might get a buddy and create some FREE HUGS jackets or shirts and attend a rally of those you struggle with or maybe it is a random group you do not know, and you just start giving out free hugs.
In my life when the car issue caused me a world of suffering I had a lot of time to pondering my suffering and who caused it, but this may not be practical for everyone. What about people like difficult neighbors or politicians doing harm in the world (at least in our eyes)?
Well, early this year my book club, the HOPE & INSPIRATION BOOKCLUB on Facebook finished reading The Book of Joy by the Dalia Lama, Desmond Tutu, and Douglas Abrams. In this wonderful book these two giant spiritual leaders talk about how to find joy in your life. In the discussion about creating joy, they share ways or maybe “how to” thoughts. Let me share one…
Here is a Practice to Try From The Book of Joy…
Frustration and Anger - A Prayer
Yes of course for the atheists this might not go over well or maybe even for those who do not “pray”. Bear with me though and hear me out.
So here is a small excerpt from the book on this practice…
“During the days of apartheid, the Archbishop would pray daily for the government officials who were maintaining the oppressive system. He prayed for them to transform their hearts and to transform the racist system that they created, but he also prayed sincerely for their wellbeing. It helped him to love them rather than hate them, and ultimately made it possible to work with them to help transition the country to democracy.“
Here is the practice recommended in the book…
- Close your eyes and turn your attention inward.
- Think of the person who is upsetting you and say a prayer for them. Pray for their joy and happiness. Sincerely wish them well. See them as a child of God deserving of God’s love, or as another human being who shares your desire to be happy and avoid suffering.
- Try to do this each day for two weeks. See how your relationship is transformed.
When we read this book I DID actually try this a few times and did pray for Ted Cruz. I honestly didn’t do it daily for two weeks straight, but even only doing it a few times helped me seek understanding of what Ted must be going through and how his actions may be attempts to keep his job and get reelected. I also was able to see how some of these actions were desperate and that maybe it was his own personal suffering that were causing these action.
Yes, I found it sad, but I was able to try to work on this instead of just sending him nasty posts on Facebook or building hate in my stomach for him.
Here is a link to buy the book if you so choose (I do not get anything if you buy it, but just highly recommend the ideas shared in it.).
And maybe reflecting and reframing things, or maybe forgiveness Can Be Actions For the non-Praying Community…
So if you’ve read this far you must be committed to giving this a try. Thank you! I know some of you saw a prayer and may have not had any interest in moving forward. I get it. Here I’ll go back to my car being stolen example. Try to let go of your anger for a bit and just try to think about what a day in the life of your “enemy” looks like. Can you see them struggling and/or suffering in some way? Is their suffering what causes them to act the way they do?
I think of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs very often and I think some people have unmet needs (even if they are unrealistic) that causes them to behave badly.
If we can see this suffering, can we find compassion? Granted this might not be an easy or quick task, but I DO believe seeking understanding leads to love and loving our enemy DOES benefit the world and us, not just those who harm us. So really this takes reflecting on things. It may actually take reframing your thoughts on the situation and honestly, it might take forgiveness. Yes all of this steps are difficult, but the pay off is worth it. At least I think so.
Trust me I am still working on this. I am still not a fan of many politicians and even struggle with those in public not getting vaccinated. I am however trying. I am REALLY trying. With this article, I ask you to join me in trying. Trying is the first step.
Please give this Forgiveness Meditation a try as one last way to explore how to start learning to love our enemies or at least on a smaller scale someone close to you that may have wronged you in some way. It may take baby steps to build to forgiveness and actually loving our enemy.
Forgiveness Meditation
I’d challenge you to explore these ideas. This can totally be a life changer and I honestly think a world changer.
Thanks for reading this!
May you find the power and strength to test this out and may your life be better for giving it a try.
Peace, Love, and Respect to you, my friend!
Dale Berkebile
P.S. – By the way, sometimes, some preliminary work can help you overcome some of the difficult work that I recommended and mentioned in today’s article. If you are interested in building up to this difficult work, why not get started by trying to build a gratitude practice in your life.
This is a great first step. Click the link below to sign up for my GRATEFUL LIVING: 5-Day Gratitude Challenge (it can be taken as an email only course, an online only course, or a hybrid where you can use both the email tools and the online video training tools. Good Luck to you on your journey!
Header Candle Vigil Photo by Ivan Radic
Making gratitude a daily focus helps in all aspects of life. Mind. Body and Spirit.
Thank you for your thoughts, Gabriella! Gratitude is a very powerful tool for sure. Even doing it sporadically can greatly improve your life. I appreciate you, my friend. Peace, Love, and Respect to you! Thanks for reading this article. It means a lot to me.
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Dale – this is such a deep and profound message you are offering here! It truly reflects Thich Nhat Hanh’s Interbeing: you were seeing the life of the other person that took your car as a real human being, someone who had struggles and needs, the same as you. Thank you for sharing this. A bow to you, my friend.
Thank you so much for reading this and for your thoughts Lisa! I feel blessed to have you in my life. Saying this reflects Thay is such a nice thing. He certainly inspired this with his book, but doing the work and walking the path is tough work, and his guidance, and your guidance help me move closer to living these ideas. Peace, Love, and Respect to you, my dear friend!